Have you ever met people who refused to believe you even in obvious things and claimed that cold is hot and black is white? Perhaps this was an isolated case of someone's clouding, or maybe you encountered a gaslighter - a person who deliberately manipulates your psyche and emotions in order to break your will and make you doubt your own adequacy. Is it possible to defend against his machinations and is the gaslighter always aware of what he is doing? "Secret" asked psychologists.
What is gaslighting?
The term "gaslighting" comes from the title of the English play "Gas light" (Gas light) and its film adaptation, which clearly shows this psychological manipulation.
In the story, the main character's husband rearranges small furnishings in the house and hides things in order to give his wife the impression that she is losing her memory and reason. At the same time, he is looking for her jewelry, but when he turns on the gas lamps in the part of the house where they are hidden, the light begins to tremble and fade in his wife's living room. When she later complains about the dim lighting, her husband invariably says that she imagined it.
Now gaslighting is called forms of psychological violence, manifested through such manipulations, doubts about the adequacy, devaluing jokes, accusations, intimidation. The goal is to break the will, expose the person as abnormal, crazy, defective, and ultimately impose their own version of events and take advantage of the weakened state of the victim in their own interests.
Examples of gaslighting
Most often, gaslighting is discussed in the context of family relationships. But the space for this type of manipulation is not limited to them. Despite the fact that in the practice of psychologists, most examples are about gaslighting men in relation to women, both sexes can play this game.
And sometimes even the gender of the participants is not important, only the distribution of power and the desire to abuse this very power are important. Gaslighting is ubiquitous—in relationships, at work, among friends—and it takes many forms.
Kasyanova explained that for active users of social networks, the risk of meeting with gaslighting and the depreciation of a position, opinion or statement is quite high. Often the position of the author of the statement becomes the starting point for trolling, refuting statements, inappropriate jokes and comments about the identity of the author. On a systemic basis, this can lead to serious self-esteem disorders.
This situation is especially scary for teenagers, whose online community is relatively narrow and often integrated with offline groups (class, school, section, etc.), and the norms of social behavior are much more flexible. The situation is aggravated by the fact that the victim's chances to get out of the discussion are small - after all, she has every chance of spilling over into the offline space or mass harassment and a stream of unreasonable hatred (hating).
How do you know if you are a victim of gaslighting?
Gaslighting is not the only type of manipulation that people consciously or unconsciously practice. Ideally, you need to resist all manipulations. In practice, it would be good to be aware of what exactly they are doing to you, how and what they are putting pressure on, and why you react this way and not otherwise.
Psychologist and cognitive therapist Anna Geller listed the most common symptoms of a gaslight victim. You should be concerned if you:
afraid to make decisions;
blame yourself for all the mistakes;
you begin to think that you are too receptive;
constantly experiencing anxiety and self-doubt;
afraid to make a mistake because you don't want to upset your partner.
Who is at risk?
Most often, victims of gaslighting are those whose parents manipulated their feelings of guilt in childhood, says clinical psychologist Violetta Makarenko. These are anxious people who are terribly afraid of being "uncomfortable", constantly feel ashamed and feel guilty for literally everything they do. They are the easiest to manipulate.
Also, victims of gaslighting may suffer from borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by emotional instability and a tendency to act impulsively.
Studies show that people who have low tolerance for uncertainty, high sensitivity, and low emotional stability are more vulnerable to gaslighting.
According to psychologist Anna Kryuchkova, both low self-esteem and the inability to say “no” while defending one’s position “helps” to be in the role of a victim. Very young people without sufficient experience and formed psychological boundaries are especially easy to get into the networks of gaslighters.
How do you understand in case you are a sufferer of gaslighting?
Despite the fact that in theory gaslighting is simple, in practice, not every person knows how, loves and practices this manipulation. To do this, you need to have a peculiar mindset, but the main thing is to have a goal for which a person, consciously or not, is ready to neglect loved ones and not choose means. Therefore, in order to suspect a gaslighter in a person, you should first think about his motives and benefits.
How to counter gaslighting?
If you find yourself in the role of a victim of gaslighting, it’s not enough just to put the situation in your own words and accuse your partner of manipulation so that he realizes everything and corrects. You will need all your will to change the attitude towards yourself or get out of an unhealthy relationship altogether.
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